Making the Connection

Is Your Online Persona Authentic?

2011-04-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

If you pay close attention, you will notice that your social networking friends have online personalities. Some are witty, some are “in the know”—always sharing the latest and most interesting news, some are opinionated, some are quiet, some are vain, some are overbearing, some are religious, some are clueless and so on.

How would you describe your online personality? Or how do you think others might describe it?

To be frank, sometimes social networking feels like high school all over again—comparisons of who's smarter, funnier, cuter, improved, more successful…you name it.

Sometime ago I reconnected with an old friend from high school. I was really excited talking to this friend over the phone. Being an email person, I asked if the friend was into emailing or social networking. Apparently my friend keeps up to date with old friends through their spouse’s social networking account but didn’t have a personal one. When I suggested creating a personal account, my friend responded, “I’m not ready to do it yet.”

However, reflecting on our phone conversation afterward, I remembered how my friend kept talking about weight gain and aging and had a somewhat negative tone when referring to other childhood friends. That led me to wonder why my friend wasn't feeling “online-ready” just yet. Was my friend afraid that they would be judged harshly by others or was it more of an internal judgment?

It is a fact that nostalgia plays a big role in reconnecting with someone from the past but I believe that social networking should be about reconnecting as who we are today and moving our friendships forward; understanding of course that starting with a clean slate (when there’s already a lot of history) is always harder said than done. But it is what it is---so move on.

Your online persona should be an extension of who you are. There should be no waiting until all is perfect or pretending that all is perfect---because there is no such thing. Authenticity always shines through and works out the best. Be who you truly are and have fun with it.

Happy social networking!

Requirement: Must Love Job

2011-03-10T20:38:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, it has been general knowledge that majority of workers do not “love” their jobs. However, they need their jobs and therefore tolerate them in order to make a living. In these tough economic times like we are experiencing, one would think that this phenomenon would even get worse because good wage earning jobs are not plentiful as they use to be. In fact, many studies have found just that—with massive layoffs and cutbacks in the job market, workers are overworked, underpaid, unhappy, feel stuck in undesirable positions and are constantly on the lookout for better opportunities.

Knowing all this, I was flabbergasted when I heard a respected radio station do a show on job search strategies with a somewhat unusual approach—people who land job opportunities are those who are engaging, enthusiastic and demonstrate how badly they want the job. One HR personnel even shared how there were times when she had applicants not show up for second interviews, have bad attitudes or simply not respond to a job offers.

Really? Hmm... what could it be? Could it be that they are way over-qualified and are certain that they would be bored out of their minds in that position after about one week on the job? Oh, how about this—maybe the candidate was a friend of a friend who really didn't want the job in the first place? Just saying...

What is the new average time it takes for people unemployed to get a job? Research shows anywhere from 7.5 months and greater, with an average of 6 job seekers competing for every job opening. Of course research shows that it is even worse for populations considered to be “disadvantaged.” Speaking to that, I know of people who have been looking for work for about two years now. The bottom line is that it is taking an awful long time to find suitable jobs that meet personal satisfaction.

So, call me crazy but I think recruiters should know better. Do they know what marathons most candidates have to run before getting a “door” finally opened? Please give people a break to catch their breath! There are many ways to evaluate a candidate than their seemingly “love” for the job. Seriously.

Okay, so while I'm seething over all this talk about job seekers not enthusiastic enough to meet recruiters' precious expectations, out of nowhere my boss asked me if I am enjoying my new “part-time position,” which I had had for about a “moment.” The question was so unexpected that I was slow to answer. I don't even remember what I said—it wasn't yes or no. I think I said something like I'm getting the hang of it. Not very long after that conversation, a co-worker who had somehow learned about it, came back to me and said that my boss might be a bit worried that I may not like my job! Really?

What ever happened to “effectively meeting the expectations of the job requirements in a timely manner?” Since when did loving your job become a requirement for hire?

Sign of the times? Go figure!

Are you an avoider when it comes to trying new technology?

2011-02-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

When I hear people swear off social media and vow never to join or be sucked into it, I literally cringe. I've heard every excuse from it's just so dumb to concerns about jeopardizing their privacy. I always have one question for them—do you use a credit card to purchase anything? If yes, I rest my case—it's already out there honey. People can ignore social media all they want but it doesn't look like it will be going away any time soon. Every time I run into someone like that, I can't help but remember my experience with my first cell phone.

I got my first cell phone in 1994. At the time, none of my immediate friends had cell phones or were even considering getting one. During those days, (at least among my circle of friends) a cell phone was definitely considered a luxury. I got the phone through a special offer program from my employer and being a single female at the time, I was sold on the fact that I would have immediate access to a phone in the case of an emergency. My biggest fear was having my car breakdown on the highway in the middle of nowhere, especially in the dead of winter or in a snow storm. Well luckily for me, none of those things happened but soon I was starting to think that I was throwing money away until the incident that made me a believer.

Someone referred me to a hair braider who lived on the outskirts of town—somewhere where I had not ventured on my own before. Anyway, I drove to the address without getting lost so I was feeling great until I noticed that the apartment building buzzer was broken and I couldn't call my hair braider to let me in. For a few minutes, I figured my only choice other than driving back home was to sit in my car (it was during the wintertime) and watch for someone either coming out or going in and then tag-along.

After a few minutes of waiting, I suddenly remembered that I had my cell phone in my purse with the braider’s phone number! I quickly dialed the number, she answered and came downstairs and let me in! I will never forget that moment—it is as fresh in my mind as if it just happened yesterday. That was the moment I became convinced that having a cell phone made a lot of sense not only for emergency situations but for every day occurrences. Whenever I find myself hesitating about trying out a new technology, I always remember this experience.

My suggestion to anyone avoiding new media technology is to give it a try—but you have to do more than just signing up and saying that you have an account. Really give it a try by doing your very best to observe and interact with others in the network. If you do, you will get a chance to experience what everyone's all worked up about. And you will find that if used appropriately, it doesn’t hurt one bit.

It's a New Year-- are you going to be proactive, reactive or inactive?

2011-01-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

Individuals can learn a great deal from organizations. In the world of Public Relations, an organization can decide to be one of three things when it comes to relationship-building with key audiences upon which its success or failure depends: it can choose to be proactive, reactive or inactive.

In a proactive PR setting, the organization has a mission, vision and a plan to put things out there (share information), be responsive and craft a certain brand. There is no leaving-it-to-chances about proactive PR. In fact, there's even anticipation of things that might go wrong and what the response will be in each situation. Everything is orchestrated down to the “wire” and they have the appropriate resources to back it up. At the end of the day/period, they evaluate their plan to see how they did against the plan and make any needed adjustments.

In a reactive PR setting, the organization operates as usual but has no plan to share information to shape its public image or brand. However, the only real plan in place is to galvanize into action if something unexpectedly negative happens. Of course in the meanwhile the organization is hoping that nothing bad happens. It operates on a wait-and-see plan and then react in the best way possible as the situation allows. A sort of “we will cross that bridge when we get there” attitude.

In an inactive PR setting, the organization operates as if it is on an island by itself. It hopes that if something gets out of hand, that thing will eventually fix itself or disappear. It pays no mind to what's going in its environment and generally has a “whatever will be will be”attitude.

Did you know that in a way you are an organization? Yes, you are! You the CEO of the (insert name here ) Organization.

So it's a new year and a somewhat new slate. When it comes to the things upon which your success or failure depends, what would your approach be? Are you going to be proactive, reactive or inactive?

Day Off

2010-08-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have a day off from work
and there is a long list of things that I could do.

Do the pile of dirty laundry
Fold the clean clothes and put them away
Mob the floors and vacuum the rugs
Pick up toys, socks, clothes, shoes, books and straighten up rooms
Sort through closets, draws, boxes and give away items to the less fortunate
Clean the refrigerator and wash the dishes
Scrub the bathrooms
Go to the farmers' market and buy ingredients to make a delicious African dish for my family to come home to
Read and sort the mail and pay bills
Go running and catch up on my exercise
Sew and put up curtains in the dinning room
Update my social networking sites and read my emails
Call family and friends in distant lands and different time zones
Shop for new furniture
Catch up on weeding the garden and watering the pants
Get a head-start on the book that has been lurking inside my head for a couple of years
Look up a plumber to fix the slow drain and leaking faucet
Shop for a Sunday clothes for the children
Shop for a blue professional suit that I really need
Make a list and go grocery shopping
Put the bulletin boards and wall decorations up in the children's rooms
Write up the minutes and finish the newsletter for my women's club
Call the pstor to start working on the PowerPoint document for Sunday's church service
Take out my braids while watching a movie or two
Go window shopping at the mall
Call my husband to meet-up for lunch
Catch up on reading my library books that are coming due very soon
Write an entry for my blog
Go back to bed and catch up on my beauty rest

But none of my long list of things sounds appealing to me
so instead...

I will put on my walking shoes
and go for a long walk in the woods
where it is quiet and the energy of nature is awesome.

There, I will listen to the birds sing and the streams run
watch the trees and plants dance in the wind
and little creatures dash in and out of tall grasses.

There, I will sit on my favorite big rock
slip off my shoes and dip my feet in the cool running stream
and relish the peace and quiet---one of my very favorite things to do.

After all, that's what days off are for
doing your very favorite things.

Plug Away the Bad and Ugly so that the Beauty will Shine Through

2010-06-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

A beautiful garden doesn't just happen out of nowhere, it takes a diligent gardener working to keep it that way throughout the growing season. That means visiting the garden often, staying on top of weeding, feeding or fertilizing, pruning, watering and doing all the things required to keep it beautiful. Once the hard work is done, the gardener and everyone in sight of the garden can then enjoy its beauty.

The same is true for developing positive attitude and beliefs about oneself and toward others, something I continue to work at. Giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting that they are coming from an honest place has been the hardest for me, although I’m gradually making progress. I suspect that my struggle has something to do with having been raised in a culture where everyone's highly suspicious and distrustful.

I know people who wouldn't dare tell close friends and family about traveling plans back home to Africa because they're afraid of being harmed either physically or by black magic. Another example is a friend (who lives in Europe) was suspicious that a friend of hers had put black magic in her shoes while she was spending the weekend because she found a powdery substance in them. (She refused to wear them and threw them out on her way home for fear of bringing bad luck into her living space.)

Situations like these sadden me but remind me of the words of Ghandi “Be the change you wish to see.” I personally would not go to such extreme but I am not immune to the influence of having grown up in an environment where negative attitudes and beliefs are the norm.

This is not to say that negative thinking is always bad. In fact, to the contrary, many Africans strive on negativity. We have the tendency to do very well and survive under stressful and often negative situations. Sometimes anticipating the worst case scenario can help steer us away from problematic circumstances. However, we need to be mindful of how and when to use negative thinking to our advantage and ensure it is not hurting our relationships and chances to get ahead.

As a founder of a relationship-building organization, I get plenty of opportunities to be the change and sometimes I fall short. Once when I received some personal checks, I had worried out loud about the validity of the checks. Another friend who was present and to whom I am so grateful, said, “It's not right to think like that. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure they won't give you a bad check knowingly.” I was ashamed of myself but most importantly, I was reminded to start with the assumption that people have good hearts and good intentions until proven otherwise.

Just like the gardener approaches gardening, one has to have a plan of action and keep on plugging away at it. I have to consciously and continuously work at getting negative thoughts and attitudes out of my system because like the garden, if left alone, the bad stuff (weeds) will overshadow the beauty.

Celebration, Reflection, Thanksgiving

2009-12-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve been fascinated with the new Travel Channel television series Meet the Natives USA. I find it very interesting to watch the reactions and hear the thoughts of individuals from a totally different society and way of life who suddenly find themselves in the middle of a capitalistic, individualistic, materialistic, you name it, lifestyle. It has been just fascinating watching five men from the Island of Tana, “traditional hunters and farmers, used to wearing grass skirts and penis sheaths, have no electricity or TV, and a very limited idea of the world beyond their tiny island,” getting a taste of the American life.

On the other end of the spectrum are the American hosts who are convinced that their lifestyle is the best in the world and are so proud to share it with the natives.

Maybe I enjoy watching the series because I too come from a world very different than where I find myself today and after living here for over 17 years, I continue to have questions about this society’s ‘must haves’ and ‘must dos’. Especially during this time of year when marketing is at its peak and everywhere you turn is a message to buy, buy, buy. It becomes a major challenge to keep the focus on the things that are truly important—faith, people and time. As a parent, the battle is twice (or maybe I should say thrice—for every one of my three children) as hard to deliver the message: it’s not about things, it’s about faith, people and time.

At a recent networking event, one woman expressed a similar sentiment when she said, “…when we come here (U.S.) we get caught up in this American life. Sometimes we don’t even acknowledge each other when we meet because we feel that we don’t know the other person well enough. This is not a value we learned before we came to this country.”

Remember that this time of year is one for celebration, reflection and thanksgiving. I challenge you to take a hard look at your values. Which ones should you hang on to and which ones need to be let go, so that you can fully appreciate the things that are most valuable in life: faith, people and time.

Everything else is just stuff.

Holiday Blessings and Best Wishes for the New Year!

Change with the Season

2009-10-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

Can't believe it's fall already! However, I'm settling in to the change in weather.

I love changing home decor to match the weather. About a week ago I got rid of the summer look and got out my fall things. Hanging and sitting flower pots were taken away from the entryway and the porch to the garden, tucked away in a corner to gracefully loose their beauty--aww--sad. Pumpkins and fall foliage and autumn welcome greetings now beckons visitors and passers-by. Inside our home is more fall foliage and colors and scents to set the mood of the season.

Where do you get the energy to keep up with all this? That's the question I get all the time. My answer--doing that kind of stuff fuels my energy and brings me joy. In addition, most of the items are recycled from years before so there's no burden on my purse strings at all. And best of all, my house is not the dullest on the block. It looks lived in and, in a way, it tells the story of residents who enjoy and value their home.

Hope you're doing what brings you joy to usher in the change in season!

Know Your Brand

2009-08-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Your friends are throwing an important party and your invitation has a time that's one hour earlier than other people's. What does that say about you? You are very particular about doing your hair and only wants the best the craft has to offer but you're finding it harder and harder to find a willing hairstylist to do the job. What could that mean? Babysitters are giving you excuses to no have to take your hard-earned money no matter what. Makes you wonder? A group of your co-workers are getting together for lunch and you're not asked to join in on the fun. Why is that?

Like it or not, everyone has a brand. Your appearance, actions and communication paint a picture of who you are to the world around you. It is your responsibility to determine what others perception is of you and more importantly, it's your responsibility to manage those perceptions.

It's not so easy to be honest about our own actions so elicit some trusted friends and family who can give you an honest opinion of how you often come across or what they've heard others say about you on the sly. Promise not to hold it against them.

Don't believe everything you hear—dig deeper to get a better picture. For example, if one particular person thinks you're an a—hole because you set them straight about something they had no business budding in, that's not necessarily a bad thing. The strategy of how you handle it may not have been the best option but setting them straight was probably the best way to go. After all, a value could be a no nonsense person—there's nothing wrong with that if it fits into your brand strategy.

It can be tough to hear the bad things about you but remember that the purpose of the exercise is to brand yourself in the positive way for personally and professional success. It's also important to pay attention to the good things said about you and pat yourself on the back for things you're doing well.

Reset your brand by taking an inventory (make sure to write it down) of your values, the things that make you unique among your peers, decide what you want to be known for, and to whom you want to market your brand. The next step will be to create a statement of your personal brand and the last step will be to articulate it and live it everyday.

Go on, get started today.

Women: Get in the habit of striking conversation with other women

2009-08-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Having missed several communication education swimming class sessions for my kids (we’ve been busy with other sporting activities), I couldn’t help but notice the increase in the number of families of color participating this summer. I’m delighted, considering the reports of the growing rate of children who are drowning due to a lack of water safety and/or swimming skills.

The second thing that came to my mind, of course, was the opportunity to connect with new people and expand my network. When I noticed a woman sitting alone within earshot of me, I seized the opportunity to connect. “Which of the kids is yours?” I asked. That question has led to a budding relationship with an awesome individual. We’ve exchanged some useful information and I can see perhaps a get-together of some sort in our future (when the time is right). I have my eyes on a couple of other women who I hope to get a chance to meet before the session is over.

I consider my “swimming class connection” a success but I’ve also learned over the years that striking up conversations with other women is not always easy. One thing that comes up at AWC meetings time and time again is the feeling that women are often unapproachable.
Some of the things that have been noted are a cool or irate attitude, avoiding eye contact and providing close-ended answers when asked a question.

It won’t be fair if I fail to acknowledge that some of us lack the communications skills needed to carry out friendly and respectful conversations as well. I have plenty of examples where I’ve been asked inappropriate or embarrassing questions by friends, acquaintances and strangers alike. Many childhood friends I meet feel that it’s okay for them to elaborate on my weight gain (after 3 kids and years of aging—give me a break!) Other times I’ve been asked (at inappropriate intervals) my marriage status, my family expansion plans, my educational background and even my husband’s opinion of my community involvement activities (mind you they don’t even know who the man is).

Some just give up after several failed attempts to connect with other women. That is unfortunate because it is really hurting us on different levels: our ability to expand our network; our ability to grow personally and professionally; our ability to share meaningful information; our ability to work together and build a stronger community.

It helps to have good communication skills in order to be successful when meeting new people. This is very important: focus on having a light, pleasant conversation about general topics and avoid the heavy duty, personal stuff that drives many women away. Talk a little, listen a lot, be respectful, be mindful of body language, and ensure participation is balanced.

So what should we do to address this problem? I suggest we all, individually, start by examining our own habits when it comes to meeting and reaching out to other women. Are you one of those who got discouraged and have stopped trying? Have you not pay much attention and need to make an effort in reaching out? Do you need to change your attitude to be more approachable and friendly?

We must all do our part to set the stage for better communication and relationship-building. Next time you find yourself in close proximity to another woman, make eye contact, smile and say hello. If the situation calls for it, introduce yourself and try to make small talk. Be ready to go with the flow—good or bad. If bad, don’t take it personally, keep on trying.

Clothesline Flashback

2009-07-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how certain objects or experiences evoke memories that take us back in time unexpectedly. Every summer the clotheslines in my backyard take me back to my growing up years in Yekepa, Liberia.

In 2003, when we were looking to buy our home, it was exciting, hectic, draining, scary, and a host of mixed emotions, all at the same time. After looking at about a dozen houses and starting to detect anxious look on our realtor’s face that translated to “you’re taking too much of my time—I could have sold more houses by now”, we walked into our current home. It wasn’t spectacular or had everything we wanted but it felt right---you just know when it happens. We went outside to check out the yard and there, standing partially under a maple tree, were a pair of t-shaped clothesline poles.

At that very moment, I had flashbacks of my childhood---washing clothes and hanging them up on the clothesline to dry (according to mom’s specifications), sometimes discovering dirt on the clothes from passersby holding the clothes aside in order to make their way through our yard, sometimes finding clothing items in the neighbor’s yard blown there by the wind and making sure to take them in at the end of the day or when it was about to rain.

The clothesline was also a gathering place for kids in neighborhood. We often used the poles for makeshift swing and took turns swinging. There were times when we got in trouble with our parents for either bending a pole or breaking it from the weight of our swinging.

It probably sounds funny but I saw those poles as a sign that that particular house was to be my home and I couldn’t wait for summer, to relive the experience of using Mother Nature to dry my clothes once again.

Today, having the clotheslines allow us to save on energy (not running the dryer 24/7) and gives me the opportunity to share stories from my childhood with my children. The kids are creating their own clothesline memories: a couple of years ago, my son broke his arm swinging from the pole and sometime ago, one of my nieces came over while I was hanging up some clothes and she said, “Aunty Rita, I didn’t know you could hang clothes outside.” Imagine that.

These days, it’s the little things that bring me joy. Hanging clothes outside to dry is one of those things. I can only hope that in the process, we are also creating lasting memories so that the children can someday, in the far future, have wonderful clothesline flashbacks too.

What objects or experiences have taken you back in time?

10 Things We Can Learn From Michelle Obama

2009-06-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge fan of Michelle Obama—I bet no surprise there. Anyhow, when I saw the June 1, 2009 issue of TIME Magazine with America's first African American First Lady on the cover, I had to get a copy. “The Meaning of Michelle,” proved to be like many other write ups about the first lady that try to get inside her head and take a best guess at what she means when she speaks.

Apart from her rocky start when she first joined her husband on the campaign trail during his run for president, the first lady has been pretty consistent in her words and deeds. Here are ten things that are true to who she is and what she believes:

1. Be yourself
The beautiful thing about Mrs. Obama is that it is plain to see that she is comfortable in her own skin and is not trying to be anyone else. Sure she now has to watch what she says but there's nothing fake about what she says or how she acts. She believes that a key to success is knowing who you are and going after what YOU define as success.

2. Let go of expectations/preconceived notions
She has said time and time again that she never dreamed of becoming the first lady of the United States someday, unlike many wives of mainstream politicians. This comes a bit easier because she had no idea what to expect nor did she pay close attention to previous occupants of the White House.

3. Be open to new things
Because she never dreamed that she would ever become first lady, Mrs. Obama is allowing herself to be open for whatever comes with the territory. In the beginning when her husband chose to become a public servant, she had a difficult time with it but at some point she decided to stop wishing they would have the normal family life she dreamed of. She accepted life as it was and moved on to making the best of it, just as she's doing now as first lady.

4. Work hard to achieve your goals
Everyone who either knows her well or has worked with her knows that Michelle is a hard worker—she gives everything 110%. In fact, not everyone appreciates her work ethics. She's hard on herself and tends to hold others to her high standards as well. She can be a driver that way.

5. Give back to the community
Although she has been blessed with a great education and wonderful opportunities, she never looses sight of where she came from and of those struggling around her. She left a lucrative corporate position to work in the public sector where she was able to work with disadvantaged individuals. She speaks often about the importance to volunteer and has been out and about in the Washington D.C. neighborhood doing just that.

6. Find work that's meaningful to you
Some scolded her and thought she was a fool for leaving corporate but she wanted the kind of work that she felt was more meaningful to her. Being of service to people and being a part of change is meaningful to Mrs. Obama and that's how she plans to spend her years in the White House.

7. Build and maintain a network of support
She has said this many times and the media has confirmed that she brought her closest friends and confidantes with her to Washington. She is a loyal friend, appreciates and rewards loyalty and believes in the “paying it forward” concept as well.

8. Make your own rules
When it feels good and comfortable, she goes with it. She's not one to try and fit a round peg in a square hole. She is doing things that none of her predecessors have done and is not bothered by so-called experts and historians—she's making her own history.

9. Wear what you like
There's the story about her trip to England to meet the Queen. A well-known fashion designer claimed that it was a disaster that Michelle chose to wear a sweater top because 'nobody wears that to meet the Queen'. Guess what? She did wear a sweater top and caused a media frenzy and everybody loved it. She's confident about who she is and the way she looks and feels. Once she dresses, all that comes through—fabulosity.

10. Have a blast every chance you get
The TIME article mentioned that 'she looks like she's having a good time'. She works hard but also knows how to party. Life is short. You know what they say—all work and no play... And I hear that she got the moves too!

Back to the Soil

2009-05-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I convinced my husband to create a somewhat large garden in our backyard. It was a huge project that ended up being very costly but, like every project I tackle, I had an end result in mind and that kept me going with it.

Today, the garden is a pride and joy for our family, neighbors and friends. I call it my backyard retreat. My husband calls it his "farm." We grow both vegetables and flowers in the garden; there is a sitting area and the kids love the feel of the tiny, smooth rocks we used for the pathways. We still have a ways to go before it's all done--actually, I think it will always be a work in progress.

Believe it or not, I'm a new gardener and never tended to a garden before the one I have now but it has been so much fun and full of new experiences.

It's interesting how the garden has been a gift for our family--it is something we can work on together, talk about, be proud of, fuss over, etc.

I hope you have special things planned to do with the ones you love this summer.

Enjoy and don't forget to stop and experience nature.