Day Off

I have a day off from work
and there is a long list of things that I could do.

1. Do the pile of dirty laundry
2. Fold the clean clothes and put them away
3. Mob the floors and vacuum the rugs
4. Pick up toys, socks, clothes, shoes, books and straighten up rooms
5. Sort through closets, draws, boxes and give away items to the less fortunate
6. Clean the refrigerator and wash the dishes
7. Scrub the bathrooms
8. Go to the farmers' market and buy ingredients to make a delicious African dish for my family to come home to
9. Read and sort the mail and pay bills
10. Go running and catch up on my exercise
11. Sew and put up curtains in the dinning room
12. Update my social networking sites and read my emails
13. Call family and friends in distant lands and different time zones
14. Shop for new furniture
15. Catch up on weeding the garden and watering the pants
16. Get a head-start on the book that has been lurking inside my head for a couple of years
17. Look up a plumber to fix the slow drain and leaking faucet
18. Shop for a Sunday clothes for the children
19. Shop for a blue professional suit that I really need
20. Make a list and go grocery shopping
21. Put the bulletin boards and wall decorations up in the children's rooms
22. Write up the minutes and finish the newsletter for my women's club
23. Call the pstor to start working on the PowerPoint document for Sunday's church service
24. Take out my braids while watching a movie or two
25. Go window shopping at the mall
26. Call my husband to meet-up for lunch
27. Catch up on reading my library books that are coming due very soon
28. Write an entry for my blog
29. Go back to bed and catch up on my beauty rest

But none of my long list of things sounds appealing to me
so instead...


I will put on my walking shoes
and go for a long walk in the woods
where it is quiet and the energy of nature is awesome.


There, I will listen to the birds sing and the streams run
watch the trees and plants dance in the wind
and little creatures dash in and out of tall grasses.


There, I will sit on my favorite big rock
slip off my shoes and dip my feet in the cool running stream
and relish the peace and quiet---one of my very favorite things to do.


After all, that's what days off are for
doing your very favorite things.

Plug Away the Bad and Ugly so that the Beauty will Shine Through

A beautiful garden doesn't just happen out of nowhere, it takes a diligent gardener working to keep it that way throughout the growing season. That means visiting the garden often, staying on top of weeding, feeding or fertilizing, pruning, watering and doing all the things required to keep it beautiful. Once the hard work is done, the gardener and everyone in sight of the garden can then enjoy its beauty.


The same is true for developing positive attitude and beliefs about oneself and toward others, something I continue to work at. Giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting that they are coming from an honest place has been the hardest for me, although I’m gradually making progress. I suspect that my struggle has something to do with having been raised in a culture where everyone's highly suspicious and distrustful.


I know people who wouldn't dare tell close friends and family about traveling plans back home to Africa because they're afraid of being harmed either physically or by black magic. Another example is a friend (who lives in Europe) was suspicious that a friend of hers had put black magic in her shoes while she was spending the weekend because she found a powdery substance in them. (She refused to wear them and threw them out on her way home for fear of bringing bad luck into her living space.)


Situations like these sadden me but remind me of the words of Ghandi “Be the change you wish to see.” I personally would not go to such extreme but I am not immune to the influence of having grown up in an environment where negative attitudes and beliefs are the norm.


This is not to say that negative thinking is always bad. In fact, to the contrary, many Africans strive on negativity. We have the tendency to do very well and survive under stressful and often negative situations. Sometimes anticipating the worst case scenario can help steer us away from problematic circumstances. However, we need to be mindful of how and when to use negative thinking to our advantage and ensure it is not hurting our relationships and chances to get ahead.


As a founder of a relationship-building organization, I get plenty of opportunities to be the change and sometimes I fall short. Once when I received some personal checks, I had worried out loud about the validity of the checks. Another friend who was present and to whom I am so grateful, said, “It's not right to think like that. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure they won't give you a bad check knowingly.” I was ashamed of myself but most importantly, I was reminded to start with the assumption that people have good hearts and good intentions until proven otherwise.


Just like the gardener approaches gardening, one has to have a plan of action and keep on plugging away at it. I have to consciously and continuously work at getting negative thoughts and attitudes out of my system because like the garden, if left alone, the bad stuff (weeds) will overshadow the beauty.

Celebration, Reflection, Thanksgiving

I’ve been fascinated with the new Travel Channel television series Meet the Natives USA. I find it very interesting to watch the reactions and hear the thoughts of individuals from a totally different society and way of life who suddenly find themselves in the middle of a capitalistic, individualistic, materialistic, you name it, lifestyle. It has been just fascinating watching five men from the Island of Tana, “traditional hunters and farmers, used to wearing grass skirts and penis sheaths, have no electricity or TV, and a very limited idea of the world beyond their tiny island,” getting a taste of the American life.

On the other end of the spectrum are the American hosts who are convinced that their lifestyle is the best in the world and are so proud to share it with the natives.

Maybe I enjoy watching the series because I too come from a world very different than where I find myself today and after living here for over 17 years, I continue to have questions about this society’s ‘must haves’ and ‘must dos’. Especially during this time of year when marketing is at its peak and everywhere you turn is a message to buy, buy, buy. It becomes a major challenge to keep the focus on the things that are truly important—faith, people and time. As a parent, the battle is twice (or maybe I should say thrice—for every one of my three children) as hard to deliver the message: it’s not about things, it’s about faith, people and time.

At a recent networking event, one woman expressed a similar sentiment when she said, “…when we come here (U.S.) we get caught up in this American life. Sometimes we don’t even acknowledge each other when we meet because we feel that we don’t know the other person well enough. This is not a value we learned before we came to this country.”

Remember that this time of year is one for celebration, reflection and thanksgiving. I challenge you to take a hard look at your values. Which ones should you hang on to and which ones need to be let go, so that you can fully appreciate the things that are most valuable in life: faith, people and time.

Everything else is just stuff.

Holiday Blessings and Best Wishes for the New Year!

Change with the Season

Can't believe it's fall already! However, I'm settling in to the change in weather.

I love changing home decor to match the weather. About a week ago I got rid of the summer look and got out my fall things. Hanging and sitting flower pots were taken away from the entryway and the porch to the garden, tucked away in a corner to gracefully loose their beauty--aww--sad. Pumpkins and fall foliage and autumn welcome greetings now beckons visitors and passers-by. Inside our home is more fall foliage and colors and scents to set the mood of the season.

Where do you get the energy to keep up with all this? That's the question I get all the time. My answer--doing that kind of stuff fuels my energy and brings me joy. In addition, most of the items are recycled from years before so there's no burden on my purse strings at all. And best of all, my house is not the dullest on the block. It looks lived in and, in a way, it tells the story of residents who enjoy and value their home.

Hope you're doing what brings you joy to usher in the change in season!

Know Your Brand

Your friends are throwing an important party and your invitation has a time that's one hour earlier than other people's. What does that say about you? You are very particular about doing your hair and only wants the best the craft has to offer but you're finding it harder and harder to find a willing hairstylist to do the job. What could that mean? Babysitters are giving you excuses to no have to take your hard-earned money no matter what. Makes you wonder? A group of your co-workers are getting together for lunch and you're not asked to join in on the fun. Why is that?

Like it or not, everyone has a brand. Your appearance, actions and communication paint a picture of who you are to the world around you. It is your responsibility to determine what others perception is of you and more importantly, it's your responsibility to manage those perceptions.

It's not so easy to be honest about our own actions so elicit some trusted friends and family who can give you an honest opinion of how you often come across or what they've heard others say about you on the sly. Promise not to hold it against them.

Don't believe everything you hear—dig deeper to get a better picture. For example, if one particular person thinks you're an a—hole because you set them straight about something they had no business budding in, that's not necessarily a bad thing. The strategy of how you handle it may not have been the best option but setting them straight was probably the best way to go. After all, a value could be a no nonsense person—there's nothing wrong with that if it fits into your brand strategy.

It can be tough to hear the bad things about you but remember that the purpose of the exercise is to brand yourself in the positive way for personally and professional success. It's also important to pay attention to the good things said about you and pat yourself on the back for things you're doing well.

Reset your brand by taking an inventory (make sure to write it down) of your values, the things that make you unique among your peers, decide what you want to be known for, and to whom you want to market your brand. The next step will be to create a statement of your personal brand and the last step will be to articulate it and live it everyday.

Go on, get started today.

Women: Get in the habit of striking conversation with other women

Having missed several communication education swimming class sessions for my kids (we’ve been busy with other sporting activities), I couldn’t help but notice the increase in the number of families of color participating this summer. I’m delighted, considering the reports of the growing rate of children who are drowning due to a lack of water safety and/or swimming skills.

The second thing that came to my mind, of course, was the opportunity to connect with new people and expand my network. When I noticed a woman sitting alone within earshot of me, I seized the opportunity to connect. “Which of the kids is yours?” I asked. That question has led to a budding relationship with an awesome individual. We’ve exchanged some useful information and I can see perhaps a get-together of some sort in our future (when the time is right). I have my eyes on a couple of other women who I hope to get a chance to meet before the session is over.

I consider my “swimming class connection” a success but I’ve also learned over the years that striking up conversations with other women is not always easy. One thing that comes up at AWC meetings time and time again is the feeling that women are often unapproachable.
Some of the things that have been noted are a cool or irate attitude, avoiding eye contact and providing close-ended answers when asked a question.

It won’t be fair if I fail to acknowledge that some of us lack the communications skills needed to carry out friendly and respectful conversations as well. I have plenty of examples where I’ve been asked inappropriate or embarrassing questions by friends, acquaintances and strangers alike. Many childhood friends I meet feel that it’s okay for them to elaborate on my weight gain (after 3 kids and years of aging—give me a break!) Other times I’ve been asked (at inappropriate intervals) my marriage status, my family expansion plans, my educational background and even my husband’s opinion of my community involvement activities (mind you they don’t even know who the man is).

Some just give up after several failed attempts to connect with other women. That is unfortunate because it is really hurting us on different levels: our ability to expand our network; our ability to grow personally and professionally; our ability to share meaningful information; our ability to work together and build a stronger community.

It helps to have good communication skills in order to be successful when meeting new people. This is very important: focus on having a light, pleasant conversation about general topics and avoid the heavy duty, personal stuff that drives many women away. Talk a little, listen a lot, be respectful, be mindful of body language, and ensure participation is balanced.

So what should we do to address this problem? I suggest we all, individually, start by examining our own habits when it comes to meeting and reaching out to other women. Are you one of those who got discouraged and have stopped trying? Have you not pay much attention and need to make an effort in reaching out? Do you need to change your attitude to be more approachable and friendly?

We must all do our part to set the stage for better communication and relationship-building. Next time you find yourself in close proximity to another woman, make eye contact, smile and say hello. If the situation calls for it, introduce yourself and try to make small talk. Be ready to go with the flow—good or bad. If bad, don’t take it personally, keep on trying.

Clothesline Flashback

It’s amazing how certain objects or experiences evoke memories that take us back in time unexpectedly. Every summer the clotheslines in my backyard take me back to my growing up years in Yekepa, Liberia.

In 2003, when we were looking to buy our home, it was exciting, hectic, draining, scary, and a host of mixed emotions, all at the same time. After looking at about a dozen houses and starting to detect anxious look on our realtor’s face that translated to “you’re taking too much of my time—I could have sold more houses by now”, we walked into our current home. It wasn’t spectacular or had everything we wanted but it felt right---you just know when it happens. We went outside to check out the yard and there, standing partially under a maple tree, were a pair of t-shaped clothesline poles.

At that very moment, I had flashbacks of my childhood---washing clothes and hanging them up on the clothesline to dry (according to mom’s specifications), sometimes discovering dirt on the clothes from passersby holding the clothes aside in order to make their way through our yard, sometimes finding clothing items in the neighbor’s yard blown there by the wind and making sure to take them in at the end of the day or when it was about to rain.

The clothesline was also a gathering place for kids in neighborhood. We often used the poles for makeshift swing and took turns swinging. There were times when we got in trouble with our parents for either bending a pole or breaking it from the weight of our swinging.

It probably sounds funny but I saw those poles as a sign that that particular house was to be my home and I couldn’t wait for summer, to relive the experience of using Mother Nature to dry my clothes once again.

Today, having the clotheslines allow us to save on energy (not running the dryer 24/7) and gives me the opportunity to share stories from my childhood with my children. The kids are creating their own clothesline memories: a couple of years ago, my son broke his arm swinging from the pole and sometime ago, one of my nieces came over while I was hanging up some clothes and she said, “Aunty Rita, I didn’t know you could hang clothes outside.” Imagine that.

These days, it’s the little things that bring me joy. Hanging clothes outside to dry is one of those things. I can only hope that in the process, we are also creating lasting memories so that the children can someday, in the far future, have wonderful clothesline flashbacks too.

What objects or experiences have taken you back in time?